i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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