she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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