Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have fence marks all over my body
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
