no, he came in my armpit
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
