well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
