I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
