I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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