the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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