Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
