Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize