you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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