I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize