Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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