You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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