I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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