I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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