after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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