WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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