mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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