So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
