You're completely useless in the revolution.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
