my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
