so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
