Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
