My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
