he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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