My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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