there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
