If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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