I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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