I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
