Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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