so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize