i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
