The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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