he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
