As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
