If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
