You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
