we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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