i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
