I hate all girls vehemently.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
