epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
