I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
