actually, I'm a sock model
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
