i need an iv and a liver transplant
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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