We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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