I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize