The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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