Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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