my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
