You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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