I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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