My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
