I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
