i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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