u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize