This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
