bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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